On This Very Midnight Cease
by Kelfin
Summary: Suboshi did not gradually veer out of control. He BEGAN out of control. [The Fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Part One: Suboshi.]
1. Look on Me!

On This Very Midnight Cease  
By Kelfin

_This is fan fiction. Neither _Fushigi Yuugi_ nor any of its characters belongs to me._

Warnings: Implied Violence, Offensive Language

"After one little thing goes wrong for them, people tend to think that everything about them is bad. They do that, and pretty soon they really are bad. And then they lose all hope. So I don't want that happening to you."  
—Amiboshi,  
Episode 37 "Bewitched Warmth"

Part One. Look on Me!

_  
1. Mortals Who Die  
_  
Look on me! there is an order  
Of mortals on the earth, who do become  
Old in their youth, and die ere middle age,  
Without the violence of warlike death;  
Some perishing of pleasure—some of study—  
Some worn with toil—some of mere weariness—  
Some of disease—and some insanity—  
And some of withered, or of broken hearts.  
George Gordon, Lord Byron

The morning that I met Seiryuu no miko for the first time, I found her very beautiful—in an exotic way—but she was so cold…

Later, I came to realize that circumstances had aligned themselves against her, and my opinion changed.

At the time, though, I was rather hurt. I had been very eager to meet her; I could feel her ki tugging on me ever since her arrival, and Nakago had kept her so isolated. He didn't see the necessity for us to meet, and one doesn't question _him_.

When I arrived in her rooms and I knelt before her, she wasn't even looking at me. She made it quite clear that she thought me immature, incapable, and useless. I don't know what she had been expecting: probably another Nakago or someone like Tamahome; I don't know.

I was very disappointed in her. She seemed very pathetic—bitter and vengeful in the petty way of a person too weak to act effectively. Her only weapon was sarcasm, and she relied upon it too heavily.

This is not to imply that I am in any way different or better than she; my skills with the ryuuseisui have never been as sharp as I would have liked, because I am impatient and easily distracted. Of course, I was not so articulate at the time. I was left only with a vague feeling of disappointment and the sharp knowledge that My Brother would have felt sorry for her and disliked her all at once.

"Yui-sama," said Nakago. "Forgive the delay." (What delay? Nakago can be so unnecessarily dramatic.) "This is Suboshi," he continued, "the member of the Seiryuu shichiseishi I told you about."

"How do you do, Yui-sama?" I said politely. "I am Suboshi."

She did not acknowledge me. "This boy is one of the Seiryuu shichiseishi?" she asked Nakago. "Nakago, what good can he be to us? How can he interfere with the ceremony to summon Suzaku from here?"

I found her barbs about my age ridiculous and insulting—after all, she didn't appear any older than I. (We're the same age, actually.)

"Suboshi, Yui-sama appears to be in a foul mood today," said Nakago with an ironic smile. I grinned back at him. He may be a complete jerk, but at least we could suffer Yui-sama's bizarre crabbiness together. We both knew that the situation was well under control, not at all the way it appeared to Yui-sama.

As we started to explain the plan to her, my arm started prickling. My Brother was sending me a message! The tender flesh on the inside of my arm stung as the scratches started appearing.

I brightened a bit. I remember a vague feeling of pride that My Brother had accomplished something and a relief that Nakago had nothing for which to fault the two of us. My Brother didn't want me to feel it, but I could tell he was much more nervous than relieved. I kept that quiet, of course; never would I ever tell Nakago the secrets that exist between My Brother and me.

"Is it coming?" asked Nakago hungrily. Yui-sama was amazed by what was happening and looking questioningly at him.

I read the message and smiled. "Nakago-sama, they're about to begin the ceremony to summon Suzaku."

"I see," he said. "It's finally time."

"How can he do that?" Yui-sama breathed.

"It's all part of my strategy," said Nakago. (Oh, _gag _me. No matter what happens, he claims it's part of his "strategy".)

"Strategy?" said Yui-sama.

"Yes," he answered. "In other words, we've planted a spy in Konan."

"But the characters on his arm…"

"Twins aren't like normal brothers," said Nakago, as if he knew what he was talking about. "They share an exceptionally strong link in both body and mind."

Yui-sama thought aloud. "Then the spy we have in Konan is…"

"My twin brother," I finished for her, with a satisfied grin.

For the rest of the day, I didn't think too much about Yui-sama; she was an unpleasant thought, and I brushed her from my mind. I brushed her aside while Soi and I worked on combat maneuvers, and I brushed her aside while I finished eating and went for a walk. I did not think about her while I pulled apart plants in the garden in order to see how they work inside. When My Brother nudged my mind, asking how my morning had gone, I told him that I had met Seiryuu no miko and that she was very nice. He knew not to ask anything else about her. Of course, he could sense my unwillingness to think about the subject.

I must confess, I forgot to be interested in his life or to ask him similar questions about what he was doing and thinking. I wish now that I had. I really did love him.

But all I could think about was not thinking about our Priestess, and the hurtful things she'd said.

I am not useless!

_2. Could It Be Madness—This?_

And Something's odd—within—  
That person that I was—  
And this One—do not feel the same—  
Could it be Madness—this?  
Emily Dickinson

The day before, things had been so different. My Brother was in Konan, of course, so I should have been worried about him, but really, life was very good. I woke up early and breathed the world in deeply.

I don't know _why _I get this way; I only know that I like it and that it feels _good_! As far as I can tell, I am the only one to whom this happens. My Brother certainly never feels and acts this way; I would know, and besides, he knows what I feel, and he's told me himself that he's never experienced anything like it. He says he doesn't remember our parents or anyone in our village describing anything similar, and anyone to whom I've tried to explain it has invariably met my excited raptures with looks of incomprehension. I can only surmise, then, that it's an extension of my seishi powers. Or… maybe… there's something else special about me.

I skipped all of my meals that day. I wasn't hungry, and the usual fare seemed dismally boring and plebian. Nakago-**SAMA** is completely stingy with our accommodations. Okay, yeah, it's way better than what My Brother and I were used to, but, come on, it's nowhere near as good as what _he _gets! Anyway, I liked the way my abdomen gradually began to ache quietly, the way my lungs gasped and my heart pounded when I climbed a hill or waded through water, the way my head spun when I turned sharply…

I skipped training with Soi and lessons with Tomo. Tomo is a creepy bastard and Soi needs a day off once in a while, right? Instead, I went into town. Nobody who cared was around to stop me. I avoided Nakago the Fuckhead and his pathetic minions, and the guards are kind of afraid of me, I think. (You have no idea how much wicked pleasure I derive from this.)

The city is busy and noisy, and I love it.

I didn't have very much money with me. I told you, Nakago's a complete asshole—but all I pretty much have to do is let my seishi symbol show, and people do whatever I want. If necessary, I make a few walls fall over. So, either other people give me whatever the hell I want, or I just tell them to bill Nakago at the palace. He freaks out and yells all kinds of shit at me whenever I do this, but usually I tune him out. At this particular moment, though, it didn't occur to me to think about his reaction to my exploits, nor did I happen to think about My Brother's opinion on such activities… I am such a fucking idiot.

I saw just about every show and spectacle I could find, and I bought a pretty necklace. It sort of sparkled in the sunshine, so I decided I needed it. I bought it on credit. I figured I'd give it to Soi; she was the only girl I actually _knew_. I considered buying new clothes, but then I decided I didn't want anything My Brother wouldn't also have.

Then I went to a bar and got completely wasted. I had never—and have never since—been so drunk. I think I smoked something, too—I have no idea what it was. It wasn't really pleasant, but it was… interesting. I was in love with the world, and I wanted to experience everything in it.

I stumbled home in a very giggly mood as dark was falling like velvet over the earth. It was then that the world began to speak to me.

It could have been the alcohol, or the lack of food, but I don't think so—it happens whenever I'm in this kind of a mood.

The trees whispered to me, begging for my ki. They were weak, and I loved them, so I embraced them, pouring my life and heart into them. One very small tree refused to let me go, pulling out more and more of my ki until I panicked and jerked myself away, my hand flicking off into the air.

It was raining, but only over a small spot to my left. This tiny rain cloud followed me all the way home, disappearing when I reached the palace gate.

A little doll jumped out of the bushes and ran across the path.

When I got back to my room, Soi was there. She was really angry, but I didn't mind. I gave her the necklace, which surprised her. She accepted it more out of fear for my sanity than anything else, I think. She makes me laugh!

I spoke poetically and at great length about my adventures. I _love _myself—I am so _cute _and _charming_! Soi stayed for a while, I think to make sure I was okay, and finally she told me to shut up and go to sleep. I couldn't, though, so I just went on talking to myself after she left. I wanted to write it down, but there wasn't any paper, so I wrote it down in my head, just looking at the graceful beauty of the symbols. I don't remember what I wrote now, but that wasn't the point.

I was restless, so I got up to splash my face and neck with icy water. I invented a dance. Then I knocked some things over. I finally fell asleep on the stone floor with no blankets, staring out the window at the eastern stars.

_3. A Demon in My View_

From childhood's hour I have not been  
As others were; I have not seen  
As others saw; I could not bring  
My passions from a common spring.  
From the same source I have not taken  
My sorrow; I could not awaken  
My heart to joy at the same tone;  
And all I loved, I loved alone.  
Then—in my childhood, in the dawn  
Of a most stormy life—was drawn  
From every depth of good and ill  
The mystery which binds me still:  
From the torrent, or the fountain,  
From the red cliff of the mountain,  
From the sun that round me rolled  
In its autumn tint of gold,  
From the lightning in the sky  
As it passed me flying by,  
From the thunder and the storm,  
And the cloud that took the form  
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)  
Of a demon in my view.  
Edgar Allan Poe

The afternoon of the day I met Yui-sama, That Event happened. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know words for it that aren't clichéd and meaningless. Any word that has already been invented has already been used too much, and so all that is left for my self-expression is inarticulate groans and wordless cries.

I don't want to talk about it. But I can think of nothing else.

As the time for the ceremony approached, my unpleasant thoughts about Yui-sama turned into irrational worries about My Brother. I was terrified. I knew—I _knew_—that something awful would happen. I could not concentrate for worrying and finally Soi told me to take a break.

It was Soi that forced me out of the garden and back into the palace to wait for the news from Konan, although I only gathered the strength to move when the desire to avoid her nagging overcame the desire to avoid everything else.

Everything was moving so slowly… my body… my mind… It took me ages to understand what Soi and Nakago were saying to me. Nakago seemed agitated, which made me feel as though I ought to be irritated. Instead, I was just overwhelmingly tired and unable to care.

I knew My Brother was prepared, but I was still apprehensive. For good reason, I guess.

Do you know what it's like when half of your soul, half of your conscious mind, suddenly goes missing?

No.

You don't.

I don't want to talk about it.

…My behavior was humiliating.

I was standing alone in the cool darkness of the palace when it happened.

"Brother!" I called, tentatively. "Brother! My Brother's ki has vanished!" I said, not to anyone in particular, but more to the universe in general. I threw my arms around myself and hugged myself tightly. "I don't feel anything… He's been killed by the Suzaku shichiseishi! No… Brother… BROTHER!!!"

This is the most completely stupid speech I've ever given. Why do I talk to myself like this? It's embarrassing.

Then there was nothing to do but hold myself and scream.

Nakago's disgust with me was all too evident. Soi knew to stay away, and I think she must have warned Tomo. It makes me sick to think of him, smirking ironically in that way he has. He's so bitter; he'll take pleasure from _anyone's _pain. Nakago brought Yui-sama to gloat—or maybe to scare her into total dependency on him. Whatever. Anyway, I'm glad he brought her, because otherwise, I would never have realized the truth about her.

The truth is: she is just another pawn, struggling against Nakago's steel will. Like all of us, she loves him and hates him and needs him. She knows what pain is, and the raw wounds she carries enable her to perceive the suffering of others, overwhelming her with the pain of the world as it washes over her every day.

My ryuuseisui, which had been pushing slowly through heavy space all day, just stopped moving and were in the air above me—not hanging, not hovering… just weightless, like illustrations painted on the air.

I heard the door open, and Yui-sama's cool voice. "What's that boy doing?"

"Amiboshi, that boy's twin brother, has apparently died," said Nakago.

"He died…? Wait a minute…!" I couldn't tell if Yui-sama was angry or frightened, but I didn't care. She was part of a thick fog that was everything in the world except my heart.

"It appears the Suzaku shichiseishi killed him," said Nakago, matter-of-factly. "I myself have tried to sense his life force, but I'm afraid… I never expected Amiboshi would be killed."

It's out of character for Nakago to be so surprised. But then, perhaps it was just another part of his act for Yui-sama.

And I was just kneeling on the floor, hugging myself, muttering curses.

Yui-sama approached me. "I see," she said. "That's why you've been crying. Isn't it? Because you've lost somebody important to you." Thank you, Miss Obvious.

"Shut up!" I yelled at her. "There's no way you can understand!"

"Can't I?" she asked sadly. She knelt and put her arms around me. "I think I understand a little how it feels." This was getting surreal.

"You can cry as much as you want," she said quietly. "You can cry as much as you want."

In that moment, I know, she felt sincerely sorry for me—she saw herself in me, and she did for me what no one did for her. She gathered me up in her beautiful, gentle arms, and allowed me to cry hot tears on her steady shoulder, even though I had snapped at her like some sort of injured animal that bites when you try to help it.

I am such an idiot. I really thought that an icy, pampered princess like her could never have loved strongly enough or felt pain deeply enough to understand what was happening to me.

Now I understand her a little better, and I know how iciness can help protect the heart. I will never be able to hold back my emotions, so I will never have this shield or any other defense. It's true in battle as well as in affairs of the heart. Soi has quite despaired of teaching me defensive moves. I will always, I think, have to rely on determined, aggressive action to accomplish my goals before my enemies can come close enough to wound me. I am very unprotected now, without My Brother.

I see myself in Yui-sama, now—and I will do what I can to be _her _protection.


	2. My Springs of Life Were Poison'd

Part Two. My Springs of Life Were Poison'd.

_1. Death Intenser_

Heart! Thou and I are here sad and alone;  
I say, why did I laugh? O mortal pain!  
O Darkness! Darkness! ever must I moan,  
To question Heaven and Hell and Heart in vain.  
Why did I laugh? I know this Being's lease,  
My fancy to its utmost blisses spreads;  
Yet could I on this very midnight cease,  
And the world's gaudy ensigns see in shreds;  
Verse, Fame, and Beauty are intense indeed,  
But Death intenser—Death is Life's high meed.  
John Keats

I tried to cry myself to sleep. Eventually I ran out of tears, and I sobbed soundlessly and screamed, gasping for air and hugging my knees close to my chest.

Finally, merciful exhaustion took over my body and dragged me down into a thick, sweet, heavy sleep, like sticky syrup in my eyes and ears.

No one came to wake me.

When I finally opened my eyes, the sun was coming full in my eastern window. I lay in bed until I no longer cared whether I had to get up and face the world. I was numb, and exhausted, but filled to the brim with sleep, so I watched my body roll out of bed and stand.

I stared out my southern window for what must have been several minutes before I realized that my mind had stopped working and that I had been thinking… nothing.

Ordinarily, it would have annoyed me that the first person I met was Nakago, and that he grinned at me with his customary patronizing smirk. He very kindly told me that he was sorry for my loss, and that he hoped I was well, but I could see the sarcasm in his eyes. Then he commanded me to fetch Yui-sama and meet him in the Shrine of Seiryuu.

I did not want to see her.

Not only had I acted like a complete idiot the day before, I had been _rude _to her. I had shown my ignorance by blurting out my low opinion of her, right in front of her face! She had been kind to me, and I had anticipated her kindness with discourtesy and spitefulness. Also, I had displayed all my weakness in front of her and Nakago. I had been completely out of control.

I hated myself in that moment, and I missed My Brother more intensely, as I realized that the other half of myself… the good part… the part that held me back from rash behavior and taught me patience and kindness… was gone.

I found Yui-sama in the hallway outside her room. Her serving maids were with her.

"Suboshi," she said in surprise.

I couldn't look her in the eye. I wanted very badly to shrug it all off confidently, but I couldn't. There was blood rushing to my face, and I could barely speak above a mumble. "About yesterday…" I began quickly. "I… I'm sorry I was so rude to you. And…"

"It's all right," she smiled at me. "Don't worry about it. I'm just glad you look a little happier today."

I whispered my apology to her, and she… She smiled and brushed my words away. She said she was glad I was feeling better. She was… absolutely wonderful.

"Yeah..." I said, still blushing furiously. "Um… Anyway, Nakago asked that we both come to the Shrine of Seiryuu."

We walked together to the Shrine, and she was so gentle with me, choosing her words carefully, but not with the rough ignorance of a person unaccustomed to politeness. In that moment, too, I know, she felt sincerely sorry for me.

I am sorry that her feelings have changed. But that change is not her fault.

"What are you up to, Nakago?" asked Yui-sama as we arrived. "I thought the only one you bowed to was the emperor. So, did Seiryuu show up? Even after our failure?"

I could hardly believe the sarcastic way she spoke to him. She's so _brave_!

"Look well into the flames," said Nakago, ignoring her bitter barbs. Something glowed.

"Eyes?!" cried Yui-sama. "What's going on?!"

"You know of Taiitsukun, don't you?" asked Nakago. "She represents the yang. This represents the yin. I have summoned him here for your sake."

We watched as the sacred flame lept up into the incarnated yin. A deep voice rumbled, "Hongou Yui, Priestess of Seiryuu. If you wish to summon Seiryuu, then listen carefully to the method I am about to describe."

"Summon Seiryuu?" said Yui-sama, as if she had never seriously thought she would do such a thing.

I choked on my tears as My Brother sprang to my mind. He had told me once that we were two opposites who worked together. We played with this idea, saying that I was up and he was down, I was light and he was darkness… He was yin.

And what is yang without yin?

Yang without yin is lopsided, unstable… It is unbalanced.

Yui-sama stood very close to me. I listened quietly as she and Nakago extensively discussed the Genbu Shinzaho and the necessity of acquiring it as soon as possible.

It occurred to me for the first time that, without My Brother, we could not summon Seiryuu-seikun. If we had only found Ashitare before My Brother had gone… we could have done the summoning immediately and sealed Kutou safely forever. Thank all four gods for the Shinzaho. If Seiryuu-seikun could not be summoned, Nakago would be done with us, Yui-sama would suffer, and the peace that My Brother had wanted so badly would never come to Kutou. Konan would _destroy _us, just as her warriors, I knew with all the certainty in my soul, had destroyed My Brother.

His ki is gone. Therefore, he is dead. I know this because I know that he would never willingly remove himself from me. Not for so long a time. Not so very, very completely.

It's _empty_. It _hurts_.

Yui-sama and Nakago obviously did not need or want me, so when they left the Shrine, talking animatedly, I went back to my room.

I met Soi on the way. I told her that we were likely to be traveling soon to the land of Genbu.

She said, "Will you like to see the snow, Suboshi?"

She is a good person.

At that time, I did not understand how she could be so in love with Nakago. He is so cold, so cruel. He uses her for selfish purposes, just as he uses all of us. We all know this, except maybe Yui-sama. And yet, Tomo and Soi love him. They _love _him! Yui-sama loves Nakago and refuses to see that he is evil. This is sad, but logical. Only how can you love someone who you admit is cruel to you?

Now I know the answer.

Sometimes you love people not for who they are, but for who they might have been, or for who they could yet be.

I couldn't stay in my room. I couldn't stay anywhere. Everything I saw reminded me of My Brother. So I wandered.

I couldn't stand knowing that I would never see him again… that the people who had done this to him would go unpunished. They would do it again. No one could stop them.

The warriors of Konan are heartless and cold. Their Priestess must be a petty and selfish little girl. If any of them had any mercy in their hearts, they would not have been able to hurt someone as sweet and good as My Brother. Even knowing that he had gone there expressly to kill them, they could not have hurt him—he was so _good _and _innocent_. The fact that they killed him confirms their evil in my heart, and I know that they will hesitate at nothing to plough through my country, my people… to obliterate the only home I have left and the only person who is kind to me… Yui-sama.

I tried to avoid Nakago by sneaking around the other side of a thick column, but he must have super-hearing or something. He knew I was there and called to me. "Suboshi."

I started.

"Where are you going?" he asked. "To Yui-sama's side for more comfort, no doubt." Apparently, he couldn't resist a snide little remark about my feelings. …Is it that obvious?

I hate him.

He's such a jerk.

I stepped around the column to face him, but couldn't look at him for a moment. Then my frustration got the better of me. "I can't stand feeling like this anymore!" I cried. "When I think about My Brother being dead…"

"You want to avenge Amiboshi?" he asked.

"Um… yeah," I said. Duh.

As if one insult wasn't enough, he went on and on about how pathetic and useless I was and how I wouldn't even be able to avenge My Brother's death. Obviously, My Brother couldn't defend himself against the Suzaku warriors, and I am even more weak and ineffectual than he was.

I think it hurts so much because it's true.

"And what can you do by yourself? Unlike your brother, your abilities aren't developed. Don't underestimate the Suzaku shichiseishi!"

I hate him so much.

Nakago went on to tell me that he knew exactly how I was feeling. (As if!)

Yui-sama interrupted us. "Nakago? Oh, Suboshi. You're here, too?" She noticed me! "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing at all," lied Nakago smoothly. "In any case, have you decided to make the journey to Hokkan, Yui-sama?"

"I didn't become the Priestess of Seiryuu," she said with determination, "just because I wanted to summon Seiryuu. I did it because I didn't want to lose to Miaka."

Miaka was the Priestess of Suzaku, I knew. My Brother had told me about her.

"Besides," Yui-sama continued, "when Miaka realizes she'll have to fight me, I doubt she'll act."

"I think you may be the only one who thinks that, Yui-sama," said Nakago, with a tone that might have been either very serious or a joke.

After she left, he told me that he knew something that I _was _capable of doing. And he gave me directions to a little hut in a little village, not unlike the one in which My Brother and I were born. Only, this village was in Konan. And this hut belonged to Tamahome, the warrior who had hurt and humiliated Yui-sama so deeply and who, it obviously follows from his evident brutality, had probably been the one to kill My Brother. I would do for him as he did for me. And he had killed my entire family.

Probably Nakago thought that I would die on this mission. I certainly thought that I would die. We both knew that I was not strong enough and not wise enough to win anything against the Suzaku seishi. On his part, it was smart of him to try to get rid of someone useless in a way that would sting his enemy as well. On my part…

I _wanted _to die.

_2. Untaught in Youth My Heart to Tame  
_  
Yet I must think less wildly:—I _have _thought  
Too long and darkly, till my brain became,  
In its own eddy boiling and o'erwrought,  
A whirling gulf of phantasy and flame:  
And thus, untaught in youth my heart to tame,  
My springs of life were poison'd.  
George Gordon, Lord Byron

The journey to Konan was not very long, but it was long enough for my mood to change significantly.

By the time I arrived, I was fucking _angry_.

The details of what I did are unnecessary, but I will say that I surprised myself with my success.

I surprised myself with my _ability_. I have to say that I was fucking _awesome_! I have never moved so fast, so smoothly. I could have done _anything_ then. I did! My ryuuseisui spun so quickly that they were invisible, but I could see them. I could see everything. I could feel the wind rushing past them as they spun.

Who knew that there were so many _things _in the world? All alive!

I knew _all _of them! I could see the tiniest pieces of the tree trunks moving in and out in each other. I could hear the worms in the ground as they tunneled away from my feet. I could feel all the cold and the heat and the pressure that was experienced by the entire village.

I was powerful. They feared me. They ran.

Do you know what blood tastes like? It tastes like metal. It tastes like the coins I used to suck on when I was a child. My Brother objected to my putting dirty things in my mouth, but I liked the taste. It smells, too. It smells like the red air that it is.

I could feel ki moving through me. I can't describe it effectively. It was as if a gauzy curtain had always been between me and the world, and suddenly it had been drawn away by some tempting, ethereal hand. I loved it. It was exciting. It broke my heart with its beauty. I never, never wanted to go back.

Of course I did. Now I try again and again to push aside that curtain, and sometimes I succeed. Or rather, that supernatural hand—Seiryuu-seikun?—draws it aside for me.

Why is this given to me? What will I do with it?

Afterward, I realized what I _had _done with it. I tried to stay angry in order to not think about it. I plied myself with arguments involving justice and the greater good. I did _not _think of them as people. They were only manikins, only extensions of Tamahome…

I hate when I lie to myself, because I _know _that I'm lying. I can pretend that I believe what I'm telling myself to believe, but it rubs against the back of my heart, and it rubs _raw_.

I played the flute and I thought of My Brother. I played his favorite song, the one he breathed absently when he wasn't thinking about anything at all, the same one he poured his soul into when he was thinking of everything in the world.

I waited for Tamahome.

I waited for him to come and kill me. When you want more than anything else to die and you haven't the courage to kill yourself, you wait for someone else to do it. Besides, I thought, I had been so amazing all day… maybe I _wouldn't _lose. Maybe I would kill _him_, and then nobody else would ever have to suffer at his hands.

He was the one I wanted to hurt, anyway. What was the point of all this ugly mess if I didn't even get to see his face? And I saw it. Just for one moment, before he exploded with rage, I saw on his face the fresh, warm pain that I had felt. That smug bastard. He probably thinks he's innocent, probably doesn't think it's a big deal that My Brother died. He probably feels justified in what he did. I hate him. But not as much as I hate myself.

Suzaku no miko and another warrior—a girl—were there. They didn't do anything but hold each other and cry. Thank the gods, Soi isn't some worthless whining little chit like that. I'm not sure why their presence struck me as important, because it didn't matter effectively in any way.

They thought I was Amiboshi.

That just really pissed me off. Those idiots didn't even know the person they had killed. We're _identical_; we're not fucking _the same_.

They tried to make some sort of pathetic excuse, why it was okay that they had killed My Brother… How can I be expected to listen to that kind of shit? I made it quite clear to them, I think, that I was SUBOSHI, and that this was payback for what they had done to MY BROTHER.

My cloak was soaked in the blood of infants. I knew that I looked wild and frightening, and this pleased me immensely. I lunged at the girls, seeing in them another opportunity to hurt Tamahome.

Being the typical _hero _that he is, he rushed to the rescue. He really beat the shit out of me. My ryuuseisui were nothing to his fists and feet. His speed and his grace were _supernatural_. But then, so were mine.

In the end, he was just stronger. And angrier. And less tired. And… yes… more experienced than I. He knows how to move and where to attack in an instinctual way that is beyond me. I knew that I was going to die and I fought as hard as I could, so that my honorable death would be worthy of My Brother's memory.

Soi appeared. With lightning. It was very sudden and impressive.

I don't think she was supposed to be there. Nakago wanted me to die, I wanted to die, nobody else really cared… So why did she come?

She's just a good person, that's all. I hated her then for saving me, but I respect her for doing what she believed was right. She snatched me from the jaws of death and laughed in Tamahome's face.

At least _she _came out looking cool. I ended up looking more or less idiotic, having to be saved by a _girl_, succeeding only in a fight against an old man and some _infants_. I… hate… myself.

With a burst of lightning, Soi transported me back to the Kutou palace. I was silent and tired and angry, and I said nothing. She washed and dressed my wounds herself, and she put me to bed, and she told the servants to give me whatever I needed and told everyone else to leave me alone.

Really, it was brave of her to do something that she knew was not part of Nakago's plan. Poor Soi. She never manages successfully to do anything proactive. Her accomplishments have only been in helping and defending other people. It's sweet of her to be a shield for us, when she is too wounded and beaten to protect herself.

Yui-sama was like that for me, too.

_3. The Exotic Act  
_  
Do I deserve credit  
for not having tried suicide—  
or am I afraid  
the exotic act  
will make me blunder,

not knowing error  
is remedied by practice,  
as our first home-photographs,  
headless, half-headed, tilting  
extinguished by a flashbulb?  
Robert Lowell

For the next couple of days, I refused to get out of bed. Nakago came to see me, but I just stared at the ceiling and ignored him. I hope he thought I was going crazy. I hope I _scared _him. I have this spiteful wish to anger him and—just once!—make him show some kind of emotion. Even when he yells at us, he's not really angry. He's blank. It's scary. I can't imagine being so _devoid of passion_.

If Nakago felt fear, or anything else, he didn't show it. He just said that my work had been acceptable, but that he'd expect more exceptional work in the future. I was afraid to ignore him completely, so I sort of grunted noncommittally and went on staring at the ceiling. He ignored me after that.

Tomo came once. I think he might have been actually concerned, in a general way. After all, any loss to our side is a loss to him personally, as well. Tomo's not completely evil, I guess. He doesn't _enjoy _hurting people. He's just bitter and annoying, and I have no respect for him.

_I _enjoyed hurting people… Am _I _completely evil?

But I'm capable of love! …Oh… How can I offer honest love when inside I'm rotting away in dark, dank loneliness? I even love _myself _after all this, which is awful. I love myself too much to kill myself… I can't force the ryuuseisui through me; they won't go… and I hate myself because I can't respect myself. I am completely evil…

We're all evil—all of us! Except maybe Yui-sama; she does evil only because she's been hurt. But see! This is the consequence of evil! When we do evil, we pollute the world around us, driving even the soil and air into madness. The Everything, the pervasive ki, suffers from our foolishness. And everything that happens now hurts Yui-sama. And everything that has happened since my conception is my fault, my responsibility, too, because I am Seiryuu seishi Suboshi.

_Not _Bu Shunkaku. Not a mere human being. I am a seishi for our nation, god, and Priestess, and that is why my ineffectiveness is so _disgusting_.

My head ached.

I didn't dare pray for forgiveness, or for peace. Instead, I begged Seiryuu-seikun to prevent Yui-sama from finding out what I had done. I even got out of bed and prostrated myself on the floor, willing my heart out the eastern window and out toward our stars. In the middle of the night, I would go to the Shrine to pray and cry and hate myself. I would return to my room before dawn and sleep fitfully all day. Don't laugh at me. I know it's dramatic, but what could call for drama, if not this? This is love and death and my god!

I tried to eat, honestly I did, but it was too much of a disappointment. I couldn't taste anything. Everything was dry, and I choked on it. I wasn't hungry, and there was evidently no pleasure to be gained from eating. I found no enjoyment in anything, not even in what I had enjoyed before. Like knocking things over. I spent a lot of time sighing dramatically.

I think the servants were worried and said something to Soi. She came to visit me after a few days. I think she stayed away at first because she was afraid of Nakago. She seemed very upset. We didn't speak very much. She just sat and didn't touch me, and we didn't look at each other.

"You need to eat," she said.

I nodded.

"You know," she went on, "Nakago isn't going to let you keep this up much longer."

I nodded again.

I didn't ever thank her for what she did, but I squeezed her hand as she left, and I think she understood. She smiled sadly at me.

As far as I know, Seiryuu-seikun answered my prayer. Yui-sama came to see me a couple of times, but never alone. She always had Nakago with her, or servants. I don't think anyone told her how I was injured, other than in some battle with Tamahome on some secret mission, and when she politely asked me, I had to close my eyes to keep from rolling them at her. She was very cordial and distant.

I don't know why her feelings seemed to change. Maybe she does know what I did, on some level. She's so smart—I'm sure she knew that I had been involved in _something _unpleasant. Or maybe it was Nakago. Sometimes I wonder if he gave me such a mission in order to lower me in Yui-sama's eyes. I suppose any trust she had for me would reduce her dependency on him. Maybe she can tell how much I like her and was embarrassed or disgusted.

There are only two people in the world I love. One is dead, and one is annoyed by me.

If I were dead, I couldn't annoy her, or hurt anyone else ever again. …Is there a reason _not _to die?

But I can't do it. I think it would hurt.

I'm too afraid.


	3. What Is Nearest

Part Three. What is Nearest

_1. A Thing of Temperament  
_  
So well she acted, all and every part  
By turns—with that vivacious versatility,  
Which many people take for want of heart.  
They err—'tis merely what is called mobility,  
A thing of temperament and not of art,  
Though seeming so, from its supposed facility;  
And false—though true; for surely they're sincerest,  
Who are strongly acted on by what is nearest.  
George Gordon, Lord Byron

Unfortunately, I eventually felt better.

Soi came into my room, pushed me out of bed, and started throwing my stuff in a sack. I looked up at her from the floor and raised an eyebrow.

She tossed a heavy coat at my face. "We're riding to Hokkan today," she grinned at me. "Get up."

My wounds had fully healed—Soi's a very talented healer—and I discovered that I had no real objections to participating in the world.

Soi did not come with us. At the last minute, Nakago pulled her aside, and she unhappily dismounted and returned to the palace. She beamed at Nakago, though, but I don't think he noticed. I wished that Miboshi would stay, too. Maybe Nakago could have him to do some research and then catch up with us much, much later. Miboshi is creepy. When we were first introduced, I made the mistake of thinking he was an actual child. I knelt down at his level and stuck out my hand with a friendly grin to offer him sweets.

Um, I will never do that again.

Yui-sama rode in a carriage. So, our procession ended up being Yui-sama, me, Nakago, Miboshi, and Tomo. It was pretty obvious who was going to be doing a lot of tent-pitching and water-fetching. And I was pretty sure that Yui-sama's constant attendance on Nakago was going to result in me spending a lot of time with Tomo. (Shudder.)

It occurs to me now that maybe Tomo had other things to think about besides watching like a hawk for my potential misdeeds, but it didn't occur to me at the time. And besides, you never know. Maybe he _didn't _have anything better to do. I know he's obsessed with Nakago (ew). He'd probably do anything to ingratiate himself (double ew as I involuntarily imagine the implications of that statement).

During the journey, I worked hard to be respectful and deferential to Yui-sama. Okay, maybe I was a bit _too _deferential… But I didn't, and still don't, see the point in feigned indifference. That wouldn't be honest, and I believe that I must be honest above all else, especially to the ones I love. Have you ever heard me lie? Sometimes my honest feelings are incorrect or even wicked, but I tell them truthfully just the same. I believe that if anything will redeem me, it will be truthfulness, sincerity… _honesty_.

It got colder faster than I'd expected. I'd never traveled directly into the north before, so I was surprised at the drastic ways the landscape can change in a short distance. Except for the mountains. They arrived on the horizon and just stayed there, always the same, as if we weren't moving toward them at all.

I can't make up my mind about snow. It's beautiful, and it encourages appreciation of fire and good companionship, but it's awful when it blows inside your shirt and trickles down your chest. And naturally none of us had thought to bring mittens or hats. Well, Yui-sama had a hat. She pulled her hands inside her sleeves, but the rest of us had to hold reins. The backs of my hands turned blue and cracked and started bleeding. So did my lips, and my ears stung so badly that tears came into my eyes. I didn't say anything, though. Everyone else felt the same cold, and I didn't want to give Nakago a reason to snap at me.

We had not traveled more than a day or so when Soi returned. I didn't see her arrive; I was too busy building fires and tethering horses and setting up tents. I heard Tomo greet her, though. There were seven tents that I had to assemble—two big ones for Yui-sama and Nakago, and smaller ones for the rest of us: me, Soi, Tomo, Miboshi, and one empty one for someone else. I suppose there would have been eight, but…

I got no help from Tomo—he's such a _princess_—and he even made more work for me with his incessant whining for hot water and clean towels. I really wanted to remind him that, if he didn't wear so much make-up, he wouldn't need so much crap. And he'd look like less of a freak. But I figured it would be better to just not say anything.

When I finished, I went to Yui-sama's tent, ostensibly to see if she needed anything, but really just to be near her. She was shivering under a blanket.

"Yui-sama!" I said cheerfully. "Good morning!"

"Thank you," came her muffled voice. "It really gets cold up here in the north, doesn't it?"

"It looks like it's getting colder as we move into the center," I replied. If she wanted to talk about the weather, that was okay with me!

She sipped something hot. "Where's Nakago?"

I concealed my jealousy. "Dunno. Although, I heard Soi came back yesterday. Looks like she failed to kill the Suzaku party." I smirked confidently, but inside I was quaking. Nakago was going to be _furious_.

"I'd like to speak with Nakago," said Yui-sama. "About how to proceed from here."

"I see," I answered her. "I'll call him for you."

I'm happy to serve her. Since it was very cold, she obviously didn't want to go herself. I know, at first this sounds very selfish of her, but it's not so. Have you seen the silly costume she wears? It's completely unsuitable for normal life, let alone wind and ice. Besides, she's a girl and she's Seiryuu no miko, both of which are indisputable reasons why I should suffer instead of she.

No, the only thing that upset me was that Yui-sama wanted to discuss our plans for getting the Shinzaho with Nakago, and not with me.

I'm not sure why I thought she'd like to talk to me about _anything_, but I did. I suppose I just longed for some sign that she had any respect or regard for me at all. And it saddened me to see her so close to Nakago.

He's not a nice person, I wanted to tell her. He's using you, and we all know it, and we're all afraid to tell you. Why do you think that even Soi and Tomo, beneath their jealousy of you, pity you so much?

I thought it was to be the Priestess who inspired in her warriors total devotion, but here it is a warrior who inspires completely obedience in, not only the other seishi, but the Priestess, as well, ruling with fear and manipulating the emotions of those who adore him. We have everything backwards here. Each of us is twisted, each in his or her own way.

Yui-sama, I swear to you, that I am _your _warrior, not Nakago's. I fear and obey him, but I fight for _you_, and when I die, it will be in _your _service, not his!

I trudged unhappily through the frozen grass to Nakago's tent. "Sheesh," I grumbled to myself. "All Yui-sama talks about is Nakago! I can be useful, too, you know."

I wasn't thinking, I guess, so I yelled, "Nakago-sama, I'm coming in!" and burst in through the curtains that were the door. My Brother would have known better. I, on the other hand, am completely stupid.

The first thing I saw was Soi… naked… having sex with Nakago.

I choked on a shriek and whirled around. I know I was blushing. I felt so, so idiotic.

"Sorry, Sensei!" I stuttered, facing away from them. "Um, um, Yui-sama said she wanted to speak with you!"

"Tell her that I'll be there shortly," he lazily replied. "Soi isn't feeling well. We'll be using Ashitare instead."

I knew he meant "to attack the Suzaku seishi". What a jerk. It was obviously an understatement to say that Soi wasn't well; she was seriously injured. I had seen it on her body, and I could feel it in her ki.

Wait… "Ashitare?" I said to myself.

This was the first time I had heard any mention of Ashitare. I could feel his ki, of course so I knew he was around, and naturally, I knew that the Seven Stars of Seiryuu included Ashitare. But I hadn't even known that we had found him yet. Him or _her_…

Apparently, Ashitare was more capable than Soi. Nakago was insulting her by not allowing her to try again to complete her assignment, whatever it was.

But you know what made me more angry? It was the way Nakago wasn't even embarrassed when I walked in on them, like it meant nothing to him at all what Soi does for him, as if he were interacting with an inanimate object instead of a person. He sounded… bored.

I would never, never use someone that way. People who love you are rare and easily convinced otherwise. You should not mistreat them, even if you despise them. They must be discouraged kindly. But, I suppose, when you are Nakago and _everyone _loves you, these things seem less important.

I can hurt people, but I'll never be as good at it as Nakago, because I can't pretend that people aren't _people_. I've tried to pretend that way, but nobody believes me. Even those children, Tamahome's brothers and sisters… They saw that I was still human inside and begged me to stop…

I took Nakago's reply to Yui-sama. She lifted an eyebrow at the mention of Ashitare, but she said nothing else about the matter. She allowed me to build up her fire and stay a little while and entertain her.

She was bored, so I told her stories—the ones My Brother had told me when we were very small. I know, they are children's stories, but they were all I could think of, and she seemed well-enough pleased by them. Anyway, they are meaningful to me, because they came from My Brother and because, in them, I first learned to love the noble and beautiful heroine who, though strong and intelligent, needs just a little help from the most unlikely source in order to escape the wicked overlord.

_2. The Good of the Earth and Sun  
_  
Stop this day and night with me and you shall possess the origin of all poems,  
You shall possess the good of the earth and sun, (there are millions of suns left,)  
You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, nor look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books,  
You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me,  
You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self.  
Walt Whitman

Nakago asked me to take Yui-sama into Touran, the capital city of Hokkan. It was ostensibly to gather information about the Shinzaho, but I know he thinks I'm worthless and he probably just wanted Yui-sama out of the way, so he could meet with Ashitare. Soi, of course, elected to stay with Nakago, and Tomo and Miboshi wouldn't step a foot out of their tents unless Seiryuu-seikun himself (or in Tomo's case, Nakago) asked them.

But I was grateful for their insipidity because it meant that I would get to be truly alone with Yui-sama!

I love her.

She is absolutely perfect and wonderful, and there is nothing in her that can be faulted. Or, if there is, I refuse to see it because I am in _love_, and a love as noble and tragic as mine will never admit to a flaw in its object. I feel it so strongly that I think I will die.

I had been up that morning since long before dawn, not out of anticipation—Nakago had not yet announced his _magnanimous _decree—but out of a sort of restless excitement with the world. Something was coming—I could feel it—something important and exciting that would thrust heroism upon me. The ground was bare, but I could smell snow in the air, and the horses could, too.

I went to visit them. The horse I ride is brown and docile and a little stupid. I fed him sugar that I stole from the cooking supplies. We stood nose to nose and stared into each other's eyes. We could, for a standstill moment, hear each other's thoughts. Then I threw back my head and laughed aloud at the stars.

I whooped for joy and began to run. I ran and ran for maybe an hour.

How can I help but be joyful when the world is so full of awe-inspiring beauty, and I can feel that good things will happen? I could solve every puzzle, unravel every secret. On that day, I understood all the mysteries of the universe. That which is Everything was in me, and I was in it, and I understood what it meant to be a rock, or a blade of grass, or a moonbeam. I could see and know all the tiny particles that the world is made of. And I could think all of these thoughts in an instant! My mind was moving so fast that my tongue couldn't keep up. I wanted to put into words the flashes of insight I was having, but they kept coming, piling up on each other and overwhelming me with their awesome power.

I did all of the chores and made everyone breakfast while they were still sleeping. I almost burned the food because I kept getting distracted by stray thoughts, but it ended up turning out okay. I'm pretty sure it got cold before any of them woke up. Oh, well.

I didn't eat. What use is food when the world is so _lovely_?

When Nakago finally got up (at around daybreak) and told me the plans for the day, I was so excited I could barely contain it. I'm sure Nakago could tell I was fidgety and hyper, but I managed not to squeal with delight until after he had gone back into his tent.

Then I ran up a hill and, on impulse, threw myself into the icy pond below it. I screamed when my skin made contact with the cold water, but it was wonderfully, pleasantly painful. The crisp coldness brought me back to reality for a while and I went back to my tent to dry off. I grinned and waved at Tomo and the way back. He looked really startled to see me awake and soaked in ice water. He probably thinks I'm insane. I _love _freaking him out.

I was impatient to get going. I swear, Yui-sama spent _hours _getting ready. And then she had to confer with Nakago. We didn't leave until _noon_. I just about gnawed off my own fingers waiting.

After I considered doing that, I got distracted by my fingers and my mouth. I licked my teeth. I _love _my teeth. I have sharp, pointy incisors that can be bared in a threatening smirk. I practiced this for a while. But then I was bored again. The horse was mad at me for saddling him and then making him stand for so long.

Finally, Yui-sama was ready. As it happens, Yui-sama, for all her experience, had never ridden a horse! My heart was in my throat. I helped a very nervous Yui-sama onto my horse and swung myself up behind her.

She was very apprehensive. She sat very straight and even seemed to breathe gingerly. It was so cute! I had to put my arms around her to guide the horse. It was almost like holding her. I was very conscious of my arms brushing against hers and the way my thighs pressed against her bare legs.

"Yui-sama," I breathed against her ear, "you'll be a lot more comfortable if you relax…"

I really wanted to nuzzle my nose against her neck, but I didn't dare. Yui-sama smiled almost imperceptibly and relaxed just a little. I tried my very hardest to not be scary. I was gentle with the horse and everything. The cold was uncomfortable at first, but then I decided I liked it when the wind forced Yui-sama to cuddle back against me for warmth.

After we trotted out of camp, I nudged the horse into a faster pace. Yui-sama didn't seem to mind, so I urged it even faster. It was fun to ride with the wind ruffling my hair, but as the terrain became rougher, I could feel Yui-sama growing nervous. I slowed down, reflecting that I would probably like to prolong this journey as much as possible.

We did not speak very much. Well, I talked a lot, but her answers were short and flat. I guess I sort of panicked, and tried to make up for her silence by talking more often and more quickly. I could tell she was getting annoyed, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know how not to talk. At that time, I _was _talkativeness itself, and not to talk would have been not to be myself, and therefore not to exist. I knew all this at the same time I knew that I was displeasing her. And I kept talking… about the earth and its beauty and the mysteries I'd solved and all of my feelings of latent heroism.

The energy that had fueled my euphoria gradually pooled in my stomach and grew into something like a very intense anger. I felt hatred, but not for myself. Why is it that when I want to kill myself, I'm too worn out to do it, and when I actually have energy, I'm either so happy or so angry that I forget I want to die?

I felt a grim self-satisfaction when it did, indeed, begin to snow. We had just entered the gates of Touran and dismounted. It fell thick and fast—bigger flakes than I'd seen before. Instead of pelting my face and arms with sharp stings, they were so soft that I could barely feel them. Instead of melting or blowing away, they stayed on the ground and were crushed close together under my feet. They clustered in Yui-sama's eyelashes and made her green eyes sparkle, as if designed by some god to glorify my Priestess, like little diamonds set around a perfect emerald.

"You aren't cold, are you, Yui-sama?" I asked a little nervously as we walked.

"Yes, I am!" she snapped, as if it was my _design _that she suffer.

"You don't have to be so _direct _about it," I grumbled, just loud enough for her to hear.

She didn't acknowledge it, though, so maybe she didn't hear. I hope not. I was so shocked at first by what I had said, but at the same time, the most honest part of me was ironically pleased by my resentful outburst.

I took a deep breath and began again, this time more loudly. "Nakago said that we'd find the Shinzaho if we looked her in Touran, and that he was sending Ashitare against the Seiryuu shichiseishi."

She already knew this. I thought that maybe just stating the facts and reiterating our mission would help us focus on the task and not get irritated at one another.

Yui-sama looked out over the city, which was beginning to turn white as the snow covered it. "Have Miaka and Tamahome arrived here already?" she asked abruptly.

I frowned. How would I know what the Suzaku seishi were up to? And why was she so obsessed with these people?

Suddenly a thought occurred to me—a very, very jealous, angry thought. "I heard from Nakago," I said, "how that guy rejected you. Was it Tama—"

Before I could finish, she whirled around furiously, knelt down, and threw a handful of snow up into my face! I cried out in surprise and tried to shield my face with one hand, but…

By the time I could wipe the snow out of my eyes and nose and spit it out of my wide-open mouth, she was gone.

"Yui-sama!" I called. "Yui-sama"?

"Shit," I said.

Then I totally freaked out. Do you know how many people there are in Touran? Her yellow hair was covered by that stupid blue hat, so all I could look for was the blue cape with the gold trim. Do you have any idea how many people wear blue? Shit, _I_ was wearing blue!

The stupid fucking horse just stood there, like nothing had happened at all. "Fuck that," I thought, and I tied him to some post and ran off on foot. I knew Nakago would take it out of my hide if I lost the horse—but I knew he'd probably _ass-rape _me or something if he found out that I lost Yui-sama.

"Fuck Nakago," I thought, as I ran.

I started to get very worried. "Oh my gosh," I thought, "She could really be in trouble." The thought of Yui-sama lying injured somewhere, or assaulted by criminals, or kidnapped by the Suzaku seishi, terrified me. The longer I looked for her, the more I became convinced that something horrible had happened.

Then I remembered that I could just follow her ki.

"I'm so fucking retarded!" I yelled at myself. Everyone in the street looked at me.

I took off running in the other direction. She was by the river. I slid on the snow and skidded around a corner to see her, standing under a stone arch. She was crying and covered with snow. She had lost her hat somewhere.

Holding her by the shoulders was that rat Tamahome. I have no idea what he said to her, but she was obviously upset. I seethed. How _dare _he? How _dare _he treat my Yui-sama this way? If she loves him, he should be hers. What can he possibly find more worthy of love than Yui-sama? Obviously, he's very unintelligent.

For once, I remembered that a surprise attack might be more effective than just running in and screaming at him. So I sent one of my ryuuseisui right at his stomach. It was a little low, and his quick reflexes enabled him to jump out of the way, but at least he let go of my Priestess.

"Get away from Yui-sama!" I growled at him, summoning my ryuuseisui for another attack. That coward actually_ ran_. I have no idea why; he must remember how easily he defeated me before. Well, I've improved since then, and maybe my righteous anger made him see how the power of honest devotion can overcome treachery.

"Wait! Tamahome!" I yelled as I started after him.

Yui-sama put a hand on my shoulder. "Never mind!" she commanded. "Let him go!"

I turned to face her. She looked very tired and sad.

"Yui-sama?" I asked, knowing from my own reflection the meaning of her defeated expression. "You love him, Yui-sama, so… So…!"

It was true.

"Mind your own business!" she snapped at me. "I don't feel well. I'm going back to see Nakago." She turned sharply on one foot and stalked off into the thick curtain of falling snow.

"But…" I started, knowing we hadn't even begun to look for the Shinzaho. I followed her obediently, though. It was more important to stay with Yui-sama than anything else.

I untied the horse, which was still calmly standing where I'd left it—stupid beast—and stayed a few paces behind her until we left the city. Then I drew up next to her and silently helped her onto the horse.

"Hurry," she said. "I want to get back before dark."

I pushed the horse as fast as possible, but the snow was becoming thicker and the sky was heavy with clouds and darkening every moment. The shadows of the mountains loomed over us and shut out even more light. Yui-sama sat bolt upright, inching forward as if to touch as little of me as possible.

I wanted to remind her of the bruises she'd have if the didn't relax and conform to the motion of the animal, but I didn't dare. A very nasty little part of my soul was a little gleeful at the punishment she'd get for being so snappish with me. I glared at that part with as much inner disgust as I could muster and growled at myself in frustration.

We returned to camp in the late afternoon, but the short days in Hokkan made this almost nightfall. The tents were thickly blanketed with heavy, wet snow, and all tracks had been obliterated.

The camp actually looked peaceful and, in a way, beautiful.

Of course, I knew that it wasn't either of those things, really, which became more obvious as we drew closer and I tethered the horse.

I knew that Yui-sama's claim of illness was a lie, but she still wanted to see Nakago. I was a little relieved; I really didn't want to be the one to deliver the unpleasant news. At least not without some back up.

I could hear voices and other funny sounds from Nakago's tent, but it didn't sound like sex, so I pushed open the door and went straight in.

Soi was there, looking unhappy, and Nakago was there, too, holding a thick black whip. On his hands and knees in the dirt was a frightening-looking wolf-monster who I knew must be Ashitare.

There was blood on his back and face, and on the ground, and on Nakago's whip. Apparently, Ashitare had been just as unsuccessful as Soi. His face and hands were covered by ugly, untreated burns. Soi looked flustered and unsure of herself. I knew she would have healed Ashitare's wounds if she had been allowed. And I knew that she knew that this was a message to _her _about competency and loyalty.

Yui-sama pretended not to see what was going on, but she hovered hesitantly behind me nonetheless.

"Um… we're back," I said.

"Suboshi." Nakago could even whip people half to death without emotion. It was impressive and scary. "Did you find the Shinzaho?"

I shuffled my feet. "Well, about that…"

Yui-sama spoke from behind me. "Yes, it seems we have."

WHAT?! I whipped my head around to look at her.

She glanced down for a moment, then focused her green eyes on Nakago. "Tamahome told me that they'd found the Shinzaho's location."

Tamahome must be even stupider than I'd thought.

_3. A Lovely Light  
_  
My candle burns at both ends  
It will not last the night;  
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—  
It gives a lovely light.  
Edna St. Vincent Millay

That evening, I crashed.

I went back to my tent and pretended to be asleep, ignoring Tomo's impatient reminder that dinner was available.

I did not—and still do not—understand what was happening. This morning, I had been so happy and energetic, and now all I could feel was hatred for everything.

The people I will never admit to hating, even if I ever did—Yui-sama and My Brother and my parents—were just as painful to me. As subjects of thought, they only made me feel worse—condemning my wickedness with their innocence, reaffirming my ineptitude with their helpless suffering.

I hated the world for what it did to them and for what it did to me. I hated Seiryuu-seikun for his indifference. I hated myself for my stupidity in cursing the gods. We don't worship gods because they are good or kind, but because they are _bigger _than we are, because they have power that we don't have, and because it is our duty to please them. It is like my relationship with Nakago; I obey him because otherwise he would squash me.

Who am I, after all? I'm nobody special. Even my wanting and dreaming for individuality was just another sign of how I'm exactly like everyone else. Everyone wants to be special, but nobody ever is. We're all exactly as ugly, as sinful, as stupid, as weak as each other.

And now I add to my misery—my loneliness, my fear—a heaping measure of guilt. Guilt, not only for my evil deeds, for my petty inadequacies, but most profoundly for my hubris.

I couldn't _do _anything. I couldn't even turn my head to look at Soi when she came in to check on me. She murmured a couple of encouraging words, but my brain and my tongue wouldn't work, and I couldn't answer. All I could do was let pain shine out bright from my unmoving eyes.

Even though it didn't help much, it was nice to know that there was someone else here who understood a little—even if all Soi could really empathize with was rejected love. There is so much more in my heart that nobody—not even I—can understand. And I couldn't tell her. I couldn't formulate the words. I was just… so… tired. But Soi helped a little.

Not much, though.

After dark, I realized that my stomach was hurting because I was hungry. So I got up and ate an entire roasted duck and all the noodles I could find. The fullness in my stomach kind of dulled the pain everywhere else, and then I was able to fall asleep.


	4. Sufficient As I Am

Part Four. Sufficient As I Am

_1. Dark within the Door_

And yet I still am half in love with pain,  
With what is imperfect, with both tears and mirth,  
With things that have an end, with life and earth,  
And this moon that leaves me dark within the door.  
Edward Thomas

In the morning, I woke with a slight headache, but nothing bad enough to keep me from facing life.

I spent my day alone, though. It was nice, I guess, to not have to worry about the way I affect the people around me. You know, I spend all of this time thinking about myself, and I'm not any closer to understanding what's happening inside me. I feel as if I know myself so much better than anyone else knows himself and yet… I still don't make sense. Maybe I spend too much time in self-reflection. Is that even possible? Oh my gosh, am I _selfish_?

I just feel pulled in two ways, you know? It's like there's this outside power tugging on me, maybe it's Seiryuu-seikun or maybe it's someone else, just tugging on me and saying, "Look! Look at all the wonder and beauty I can show you! You, Seiryuu shichiseishi Suboshi, will do great things! You can love to the point of delirium and drink the finest wines and know the intimate depths of the sea! All the words that fall from your lips will be Art Incarnate, and the gods will bow to you!" And all I have to do is say yes, and this power will sweep over me like a great wind, and draw aside the curtain once for all, and all I will have to give in payment is my right to determine the direction of my life, and those in-between times of utter despair and unimaginable pain.

On the other side is not so much a personified force, but rather a steadiness. It is safe here, on this rock. I have the ability, I know, to make my own decisions, to be responsible for myself. I can be hardworking and determined, and I will succeed. I will never again have to face the total darkness of unadulterated self-hatred. Only… I will never see that exquisite beauty, either—never again know the quick joy of spontaneous insight—never have that all-encompassing power! I cannot give it up. And I would have to feel guilty for the things I've done. Because they would be my fault.

And so you see, my choice is really one between a short life and a boring one. I choose the short life!

…But somehow, I know that My Brother would disapprove.

Well, he's dead.

So.

There's no point in trying to please him any longer.

I was thinking these things while staring at my reflection in the little pond. I considered my face. Objectively, I think I'm pretty good-looking—maybe not as cute as My Brother, but with a touch of something more devilish. I practiced smirking.

Okay.

I am totally hot.

That's when I felt something like a terrible pain. It emanated form my shoulder—from my seishi symbol—and I almost doubled up from the intensity. I couldn't even _breathe_.

Then, suddenly, it vanished. Along with Ashitare's ki.

I ran to Nakago's tent and barged in. Soi and Yui-sama were there with him. I frantically explained what had happened. "We have to do something!" I yelled.

He looked at me as if I were the stupidest person in the world and told me that no, we didn't have to do anything at all.

"What do you mean we don't have to do anything?!" I cried, still standing panicked in the doorway of his tent.

"Suboshi, keep your voice down in Yui-sama's presence," said Nakago.

"It's gone!" I said, rather unnecessarily, trying to drive the point home. "Ashitare's life force is gone! Can't you feel it?!"

"The Suzaku shichiseishi probably killed him," said Nakago.

I was so angry. "I don't see how you can just say that so calmly!" I shouted. "You're just going to let them take the Shinzaho?!"

Nakago chuckled menacingly. "Don't worry. It's part of my plan."

Oh my sweet Seiryuu, I _hate _him.

Yui-sama looked questioningly at Nakago, who in a very bored tone explained to us that it did not matter, since at least Ashitare managed to kill one of the Suzaku seishi first.

I inwardly winced at the pointed insult to Soi and me.

Yui-sama asked Nakago why we were just sitting around letting things like this happen. Why didn't we just go get the Shinzaho and leave?

He explained to her that, since the people of Hokkan are enemies with Kutou and there are disembodied Genbu seishi guarding the Shinzaho, it would be easier to let Suzaku no miko retrieve the Shinzaho and then take it from her. He said this with an air of exaggerated patience, like we were both very stupid children. I can't believe he has the nerve to treat Seiryuu no miko that way! And Yui-sama doesn't even see it.

"Genbu seishi without bodies?" repeated Yui-sama, nervously.

"Yes," answered Nakago. "Even I could never beat opponents like them. Why do you think Kutou doesn't dare to attack this country?"

Yui-sama looked worried. She brought her hand up to her face. "Then, from the start, you wanted Miaka and the others to…"

"Yes. We need only wait for them to get it."

"But who was it? The one that fought with Ashitare?" Yui-sama's voice was trembling. She might have actually _cared _about Ashitare.

"That wasn't part of the plan," said Nakago. (Damn. Not another change to the _Plan_. But I bet you'll get over it, won't you?) "I never expected Ashitare to kill one of the Suzaku shichiseishi," he continued.

Oh. So it was a _good _change to the plan. (Sarcasm. I love it.)

"You _meant _to use Ashitare as cannon fodder," Soi all but accused.

"A proper use for an incompetent fool, wasn't it?" Nakago shrugged.

Soi and I looked at each other miserably. We left in silence, escorting Yui-sama back to her tent.

Poor Yui-sama. I wonder if she knows how I watch her. She has nobody else who cares enough to worry about her, so I sort of follow her at a distance to make sure she's okay. I know, I know, that seems really creepy. I know Yui-sama thinks it's creepy, anyway. But it's for her own good! I know she thinks of me as that scary guy who's obsessed with her, and she thinks that, even if she's just a little bit nice to me, I'll take it as encouragement. Which is true. But she doesn't understand; I don't ask for her to return my feelings—she's too good for me, of course. I just want her to know that I will love her anyway, no matter what. When she accepts that—I mean the fact that I can love her without her loving me back—I think she will begin to feel safe with me. Because I will always protect her.

As I walked by her tent later, I could hear her chanting. The words were foreign, but definitely rhythmic. I _had _to know, so I peeked in. I blinked. She was sitting on a chair, holding a book open in her lap.

Suddenly she looked up. "Hmm? What is it, Suboshi?"

"Oh, um," I started, entering her tent. "Was that some sort of a spell?"

She laughed at me, of course. She thinks I'm really stupid and uneducated. I was just glad to hear her laughing. I wonder if she knows how she's even more beautiful when the corners of her eyes crinkle up. "It's English!" she said.

"English…?"

"My five subjects were English, Japanese, math, science, and social studies," she explained, as if I had any idea what she was talking about. "I'd study them every day in my world."

I was confused. "Are… Are they the Five Classics?"

She continued as if I hadn't spoken. "It's strange, but reciting this calms me down." I blinked at her.

She turned to me with a happy smile. "I'm an exam candidate. Once I summon Seiryuu, I'll go back to my world and enter high school."

I suppose it was kind of dumb of me to be surprised—of course Yui-sama would go home after she summoned Seiryuu-seikun—but it just hadn't occurred to me before.

"Go… Go back?" I asked stupidly.

She looked down at her lap.

"What about the Priestess of Suzaku?" I pressed. That was a mistake.

Yui-sama's face turned angry. "I doubt she wants to ever go back, so I don't care," she snapped. "Besides, if we put a ward on Suzaku, she can never have Tamahome."

Still with the Tamahome! Is she obsessed with every man except me?!

Thinking of her leaving is… awful. What will I do without her? For whom will I live?

Not for Bu Shunkaku, that's for sure.

_2. One Hour to Madness and Joy!_

One hour to madness and joy! O furious! O confine me not!  
(What is this that frees me so in storms?  
What do my shouts amid lightnings and raging winds mean?)

O to drink the mystic deliria deeper than any other man!  
O savage and tender achings! (I bequeath them to you my children,  
I tell them to you, for reasons, O bridegroom and bride.)

O to be yielded to you whoever you are, and you to be yielded to me in defiance of the world!  
O to return to Paradise! O bashful and feminine!  
O to draw you to me, to plant on you for the first time the lips of a determin'd man.

O the puzzle, the thrice-tied knot, the deep and dark pool, all untied and illumin'd!  
O to speed where there is space enough and air enough at last!  
To be absolv'd from previous ties and conventions, I from mine and you from yours!  
To find a new unthought-of nonchalance with the best of Nature!  
To have the gag remov'd from one's mouth!  
To have the feeling to-day or any day I am sufficient as I am.

O something unprov'd! something in a trance!  
To escape utterly from others' anchors and holds!  
To drive free! to love free! to dash reckless and dangerous!  
To court destruction with taunts, with invitations!  
To ascend, to leap to the heavens of the love indicated to me!  
To rise thither with my inebriate soul!  
To be lost if it must be so!  
To feed the remainder of life with one hour of fulness and freedom!  
With one brief hour of madness and joy.  
Walt Whitman

It turned out that we lost Suzaku no miko and we had to follow her to Sairou, where there was another Shinzaho. I _love _how Nakago never deigns to tell us what's going on. I swear, he gets some kind of sadistic pleasure from keeping us dangling, watching us feel nervous and unsure and out of control.

Nakago had a "very important" visitor to meet, so he sent all of us ahead of him. Soi happily stayed with him.

Yui-sama, on the other hand…

Okay, to be honest, she whined the whole time. But she was perfectly justified! Nakago's job is supposed to be to protect her, not to direct the fruition of his own maniacal little plans. He's a complete asshole.

That evening, we stopped to rest. Miboshi had left camp, on some diabolical errand, no doubt, and Tomo was hiding to avoid chores. Yui-sama was staring at the dying fire, and I… was doing everything else that had to be done.

I didn't really mind. I was floating in euphoria. I looked out over the forest, and I thought about the beauty of the world. And then I knew—nothing really bad can ever happen to me. How can it, when I am so young and so strong and the pine needles smell so crisply, triangularly _green_? All the smells had shapes that evening, and the shapes hovered in physical space, and I located them with the skin between my fingers.

The life in the forest around me was making me feel… strange. Every whisper and scent was teasing me; I could almost taste the air as it caressed my tongue. Everything that touched me—the earth, the wind, my clothing—was tantalizing. I suddenly became very aware of my body in a way I never had before. My jaw dropped and I breathed shakily, lifting my head high and feeling my shoulders flex, feeling the motion of the setting sun as it traced my shoulders…

I knew what I ought to do. I ought to go straight up to Yui-sama and tell her how I felt. I ought to make it clear to her exactly how things stood—now, while Nakago was gone. Now, while I still possessed this sudden courage. For some reason, the little voice of inhibition didn't try to talk me out of it. I knew it was risky, but, by Seiryuu-seikun's power, aren't risks what life is all about?

I grabbed the water jug and strode purposely back to the campsite, spilling water behind me and not really noticing. Yui-sama was there, sitting with her back against a tree. The horses—still saddled (damn you, Tomo!)—grazed behind her.

"Yui-sama!" I called happily. "I've filled the jug with water!"

Why do I say the most obvious things? I'm so _dumb_! "We'll be going through the desert now, you know!" As if this one jug of water would totally solve that problem. Right.

"Why didn't Nakago come?" she said abruptly. I swear, she has a _fixation_.

"He's never left my side once all this time," she complained angrily. "Who's this visitor who's more important than me?!"

"Yui-sama…"

"Forget it, we're going back!" she said, starting to stand. "Get the horses!"

This was a very bad idea. Does Yui-sama really not understand what kind of person Nakago is?

I actually stopped her.

I set my jaw, stepped after her, and grabbed her arm with my right hand. I wanted to tell her the truth about the way he treats her. "You should stay away from Nakago!" I cried. "He can't be trusted! He told me he would be with Soi!" I surprised myself with my ability to articulate my thoughts.

Yui-sama, it seemed, was less impressed. "Be quiet!" she said, trying to pull away. "Nakago has been with me through the worst things in my life! Now let me go!"

I had no idea what she could possibly be talking about. I dropped the jug, gathered her into my arms, and kissed her. She's just a bit shorter than I am, and she had pulled back, so I leaned over her a little.

For an instant, it was the most wonderful moment of my life. She was so much warmer and… _softer _than I'd imagined. I moved my lips against hers a little, waiting for her to get over her shock and _respond_.

Then she started struggling, and I knew I had done something very, very bad.

She started pushing me and yelling at me to stop, but I knew if I let her go, she'd never let me get close enough to explain. I pushed her back against a tree.

"Let me go, Suboshi!" she cried in fear.

"Yui-sama, I… I love you!" I whispered.

"Stop it!" she screamed.

Maybe I would have been successful, had I just been able to hold her still until she cried herself out and collapsed in my arms.

But there was Tomo's saccharine voice. "Suboshi," he said, "you've been told not to touch the Priestess even when you're alone." His creepy painted face appeared on a nearby tree trunk. "If you do, we won't be able to summon Seiryuu."

Imagine reprimanding me about the purity of the Priestess. As if I don't know the difference between kissing and sex!

"Tomo…" Yui-sama pulled away from me and went to him.

The worst part was that the look she gave him—a look of gratitude, trust, and admiration—was the look I'd always imagined her giving _me_… after I saved her from some sort of vicious attacker.

_3. The Land of Honourable Death_

'Tis time this heart should be unmoved,  
Since others it hath ceased to move:  
Yet though I cannot be beloved,  
Still let me love!

My days are in the yellow leaf;  
The flowers and fruits of Love are gone;  
The worm—the canker, and the grief  
Are mine alone! ...

If thou regret'st thy Youth, why live?  
The land of honourable Death  
Is here:—up to the Field, and give  
Away thy Breath!

Seek out—less often sought than found—  
A Soldier's Grave, for thee the best;  
Then look around, and choose thy Ground,  
And take thy Rest!  
George Gordon, Lord Byron

I stalked away. It kind of bothered me to leave the jug just lying there, with water spilling out of it, but I couldn't go back. I guess Yui-sama or Tomo took care of it.

When I was far enough that they couldn't see me, I started to run. I hid. I went deep into the woods, ignoring all the times I stumbled—I'm so clumsy—and all the branches that whipped my face. I just kept going up—up the mountainside.

Finally, I came to a point when I couldn't go on anymore, not really from physical exhaustion, but more from a great, heavy emotional weariness, like… Once I was away, there was no more reason to go on. My legs sort of snapped, and I fell.

I lay on my side, curled up so that my arms hugged my knees. I burrowed under leaves, pushing my face into the dirt, and I hoped that snow would come and bury me, so I could fall asleep and die. But it doesn't snow in Sairou; it's too dry and warm. I knew nobody would come for me, but I wanted to be well hidden just in case they did. Anything awful was possible. No matter how implausible it seemed ordinarily.

It hurt. My chest felt like my heart had exploded and was leaking poison everywhere. In my head and arms, aching… I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. I am not exaggerating. This is the absolute truth. I truly believed that I was dying, and I prayed for death to come soon.

It's true, of course.

I mean, what everyone thinks of me—it's true. I am completely incompetent and worthless. And I'm not _just _useless—I actually make life harder for the people around me. I've hurt all the people I care about. My parents would probably have been able to get away if they hadn't tried to find a place for me to hide from the soldiers. I'm always getting Soi in trouble with Nakago, and that must hurt her—she really loves him. I made My Brother miserable with looking after me, and then he DIED.

And now I'd frightened Yui-sama into hating me.

I had no idea why she reacted that way. It seemed completely irrational. Are all girls this incomprehensible, or was it only she who was so complex? Maybe it was really something obvious and easy to see, and I was just too silly or young or stupid to understand. Maybe I was really truly going crazy!

Seiryuu-seikun!

I killed _infants_. I killed a defenseless _old man_. I _enjoyed _it. I mean, I enjoyed the power. I ruin everything! It is _I _who have made the world ugly and evil! I make life torture for anyone who begins to care for me! I can't even…

I should just die.

I closed my eyes and thought hard about nothingness. But the pain and the ugly thoughts kept pounding, pounding on my brain.

I untied my ryuuseisui from their place on my belt and set them beside me on the ground. If Seiryuu-seikun sent something to kill me in the night, I would die with glory.

I _really _wanted to throw up.


	5. All the Knowledge

Part Five. All the Knowledge

_1. Late Remorse of Love_

But I have lived, and have not lived in vain:  
My mind may lose its force, my blood its fire,  
And my frame perish even in conquering pain,  
_But there is that within me which shall tire  
Torture and Time, and breathe when I expire;_  
Something unearthly, which they deem not of,  
Like the remembered tone of a mute lyre,  
Shall on their softened spirits sink, and move  
In hearts all rocky now the late remorse of love.  
George Gordon, Lord Byron

I woke before sunrise again. The mountain air was cold, and I think I had awoken every few minutes due to numbness in my fingers and toes. But I do not require much sleep when I'm in this sort of mood.

I returned to camp and prepared it for the day before anyone else woke up. There was a feeling of accomplishment in this that I liked.

I could feel it all returning as I worked: the power, the grandeur, the speed… When the sun came up, my heart fell broken at my feet and I died with love for the world.

I always want to feel this way—to _know _I am invincible, immortal, charming, and wise. To have the courage to do anything I like, to sing at the top of my lungs and listen to the stars reply!

Even the _thought _of facing that freak Tomo was beginning to make me angry, so I went into my tent and lay on my blankets. They were too soft, so I rolled off and lay on my back on the hard-packed ground. I closed my eyes and just _felt_.

I found that I could concentrate on every area of my body at once. Everything that touched me _hurt_—the dead grass was sharp, my clothes were itchy—but it was a sharp, sparkling pain, and to feel it all over my body was—

My eyes shot open and I sat up. Is it weird to be so sensually affected by grass and dirt?

Some time later, I decided to go see Yui-sama. Maybe I could just apologize! I was feeling pretty hopeful. The sun was shining, after all. I scrambled to my feet and peeked out to see if Tomo was around.

He wasn't, so I made my way to Yui-sama's tent. I boldly pushed my way inside. When I saw her, everything hit me at once and the air that I breathed in colored my cheeks and eyes and I couldn't look at her. But she acted normally, although she wouldn't get too close to me, and invited me in.

She lifted the curtain to look outside. "It's really hot out," she sighed. She had taken off her little jacket. I guess in her world, there aren't such temperature extremes. "The only thing to do until sunset is sleep."

"That's right," I replied, trying to think of a conversational subject that would interest her. "I don't think Nakago and Soi will come back while the sun is still up."

"I see," she said. I closed my eyes painfully, gathering my courage.

"Yui-sama… Are you angry with me? About last night?" I closed my eyes again. "Please believe me!" I hurried on. "I wasn't joking before! I really do love—"

"Stop that!" she commanded furiously, getting to her feet. "You don't know anything about me! What were you planning do to if we hadn't stopped?! You're just like those men!"

I had no idea what she was talking about. I looked up at her in confusion. "Those men…?"

She told me that when she first arrived in Kutou, alone and confused, she had been raped by a couple of men on the street. Seiryuu-seikun! Nakago had said she was attacked, but I thought that just meant…

I was going to kill them.

Fuck! Nakago already did.

Why wasn't _I_ the one to find her? _I_ probably would have gotten there in time. Nakago's a fucking incompetent _ass_! He probably didn't even care about what happened to her. Can you imagine _his _kind of comfort? What did he _say _to her? I hate him!

"You were raped…?" I asked stupidly. I was so _shocked_. "When you came to this world, by men in downtown Kutou?"

I have got to stop this annoying habit of repeating what other people have just said.

"It can't be true. It can't!" I cried. Because the Priestess has to be a virgin. And because… that would be just too awful.

She fell to her knees and started crying. "You think I would make something like this up?! If you understand, you'll stop this."

I can't believe she believes that she's not good enough for _me_! I can't believe she believes that no one can ever love her! How could they _make _her believe that? How could they be so… so… _disrespectful_? They did to her a thing that I won't even let my _mind _do. She's too beautiful, too good, to… What they did was not only evil; it was _disgusting_, and… and _ugly_.

"It was Miaka's fault," Yui-sama continued. "If I hadn't helped her to escape from this world, I never would have come here myself! That's right… It's all Miaka's fault! And now she and Tamahome are…!"

Yui-sama was panicking and irrational. Of course, she didn't make much sense, but I believed her. Honestly, could anyone expect Yui-sama to give me so much information? It's obviously a very painful subject for her.

"Miaka…" I murmured. "The Priestess of Suzaku caused you this suffering?!" I looked her straight in the eye. "Yui-sama," I said, "no matter what happened to you, my feelings haven't changed! So I swear I'll _never forgive_ anyone who has caused you pain!"

I was too angry to stay inside. I got to my feet and stalked off.

"Suboshi… Where are you going?" she asked, sort of fearfully.

"I'll be back soon," I said with a morbidly pleasant feeling of overdramatic doom.

I had to decide what to do, and I had to work off some of the fury that was making all of me electric with vengeance. Suzaku no miko had to die.

I guess I was gone longer than I'd expected. I'd gone out into the desert to practice with my ryuuseisui. All I could think of was Suzaku no miko and Yui-sama and… argh! I was angry and frustrated and… maybe a little bit jealous. But I ignored the jealousy and focused on the anger. I invented a whole bunch of new attacks.

The sun had changed when Yui-sama came for me. Nakago had come back, she said, and he was severely hurt. In Nakago's tent, Yui-sama and Soi were fussing over him as if he actually _wanted _their sympathy. His shoulder did look really bad, I had to admit. I just wished Yui-sama would pay such attention to _me_.

"I did some emergency treatment for it on the way here," said Soi, "but he's still badly hurt."

"Then let's rest here for a while!" said Yui-sama.

"We mustn't do that," said Nakago. "We must get to Sairou quickly."

"No!" said Yui-sama, firmly. "Not while you're this badly hurt! That's an order!"

We all looked at her. She just overrode Nakago's plans and decided that we would stay until he healed. A decision on her own! Good for Yui-sama! Soi seemed happy. It was really sad the way she fawned over him, desperately offering herself up like a cheap trinket. Nakago deserves whatever he got.

"As you wish," said Nakago indifferently.

His shoulder was really disgusting. "It's practically melted!" I said, as I turned away from the gruesome sight. "Who could have done that?"

I turned away to hide a grin. It really served him right!

_  
2. Wisdom. It Is Pain  
_  
I see at last that all the knowledge

I wrung from the darkness—that the darkness flung me—  
Is worthless as ignorance: nothing comes from nothing,  
The darkness from the darkness. Pain comes from the darkness  
And we call it wisdom. It is pain.  
Randall Jarrell

Then, after all of that had settled down, I felt My Brother's ki.

It's not a mistake. I know that ki like my own reflection.

I'm in the desert, alone, and I know what Nakago will say to me, and I know what's going to happen.

This explains why I didn't feel the sharp pain, like I did was Ashitare died.

He's not dead. He's not dead. Has he been unconscious? Or… hiding? Why hasn't he tried to contact me? Something's obviously happened to him to prevent him from remembering me. Seiryuu-seikun, he's probably injured. Amnesiac. In a coma. Oh gods, what if he's dying _now_?!

And he's _close_, so close… I should have sensed his presence! Even with his seishi powers hidden, I'm his twin brother! I should have known where he was!

Oh, no. I _know _what this means.

My Brother is somewhere, obviously hiding. If he weren't, he'd have tried to contact me. He would have only used his ki if it were absolutely necessary to heal someone. I remember being sick, not so long ago in the Kutou palace… He leaned over me, placed his lips over mine, and blew into me the breath of life. It was not unlike a kiss…

If he's really hiding somewhere, I pray to all the gods that Nakago did not just feel what I felt. …Who am I trying to fool? He must have felt it. Maybe he was too busy, though, or distracted. Or maybe the pain in his shoulder… Or maybe Nakago already knows about My Brother and has been _lying _to me the whole time! I wouldn't put it past him. He's a lying, two-faced sneak. I know very well that My Brother would do anything Nakago asked, even hide from me, if Nakago threatened to hurt me.

I hate myself for being less devoted. I was so concerned with my own life that I neglected him!

I'm picking up stones and arranging them in rows and pulling out my hair, trying to make myself more symmetrical. Somehow, I just won't be able to be comfortable until everything is well placed.

Okay, okay, okay. What I am I going to do? I have to go to him; he probably needs me. I could try to send him a message, but what if he's being watched? Should I tell Nakago, or just go? I can't decide. All of the options seem equally viable; there's no reason to choose one over another, and my mind is working so _slowly_!

I can't even decide whether to stand or sit. It doesn't matter! Nothing does. I'm just so _overwhelmed_. Why am I so out of control? Why isn't there someone to tell me what's happening to me?

I need My Brother!

And if I find him, what then? I can't stand in front of him and look him in the eye, not knowing what I've done. I've _shamed _him, and after he tried so hard to make me into a good person… Oh, oh, oh gods, he doesn't know what I've done. He doesn't even know that I use _curse _words. How am I supposed to explain to him that I am the source of all evil?

Oh, gods, if I had known My Brother was alive… I _should _have known, damn it all, if I had done my duty as a brother and known… We could have gone for him, and summoned Seiryuu-seikun, and everything would have been fine. There would have been peace, like he always wanted, and Yui-sama would have been made whole again, and maybe some of us seishi would have been given back our broken lives. And we would all be free of Nakago! And Ashitare wouldn't have died!

And I wouldn't have killed four innocent children and an old man.

Oh… my… sweet… Seiryuu. I did that for nothing. I _am _completely evil, I _am_!

All the ugliness in the world is MY FAULT.


End file.
